Guest post by Satya Sagar
We have in our possession a letter from Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapakse explaining why he is not going to attend the upcoming Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM).
Dear President Mahindar Singh Rajapakse,
I hope you don’t mind me calling you Mahindar in an endearing manner like a good Punjabi instead of calling you Mahinda! I know you are pissed off with me for not coming to your CHOGM coronation bash next week. But yaar, what to do, these Dravidian fellows got together and spiked my trip.
I mean all the Dravidians, from my own Congress Party too and not just that poet with dark glasses or that Iron Lady in Steel Saree. Even my IMF colleague Chidambaram, a fellow who really admires the way you guys killed so many civilians to get so few terrorists, turned against my visit.
I really wanted to come and tried very hard too but this time nothing worked. For example I offered the poet and his relatives a cut in the the 4 G telecom deal (last time they made millions in the 2 G scam), waiver of customs duty on import of equipment for his TV channels and half the cabinet seats if we win the next elections but fellow didn’t budge!
The poet said ‘if you go to Colombo this time we are all sunk in the next election so there won’t be any telecom deal, TV channels or cabinet berths anyway’. And my own partymen from Dravidistan told me they will not only lose their deposits in the next polls but a few limbs too, if we don’t pay attention to the mood of the people in the state.
My foreign ministry guys (who as you know, also look after your foreign policy interests) initially said I can go to Colombo through Jaffna, especially since this new Chief Minister guy Wig.. whatever his name is.. sent me an invitation. I thought that was a good idea but somebody pointed out it would mean acknowledging there were two capitals on your tiny island, so I dropped the idea like a hot tandoori potato. Tell me what is this Wig.. whatever.. all about? I thought he was one of us but seems to be a tricky fellow!
I am sending in my place my Foreign Minister (who as you know, is also your Foreign Minister), a chap called Salman… not Khan…but Khurshid. I have a special request – please, please treat my guy well.
I know your goons (and I don’t mean good old Goonatilake and Goonaratne of course) have been bashing up Muslims in your country for the last couple of years but my man, he really likes a good single malt after every bad policy decision he makes. Thinking of it, Salman likes a few before he screws up too. Never mind, he is the closest to royalty we have in our cabinet, so be nice to him.
As you know, this entire trip of mine to CHOGM would not have been a problem at all if not for those wicked fellows at Channel 4. Especially, that Callum Macbook something, who collected evidence of all the war crimes we helped you commit and cover up back in 2009.
Did you know, this character had the audacity to try and sneak into India by applying for a journalist visa? The cheeky fellow! Our High Commission in London told him bluntly that you can offend Manmohanji and still get a visa but if you get into the wrong books of Mahindarji there is no redemption. But I heard that you have allowed him to come to Colombo for CHOGM… a bit embarassing for me but its OK, you are the Boss!
By the way, have you – at least now- ordered your soldiers and silly generals to switch off their mobiles while killing or torturing your Tamil population? Shows poor training among your chaps- taking videos while murdering people- you should do one or the other, not both at the same time.
By the way, there is a suggestion that I should turn up at CHOGM in disguise, maybe dressed as a waiter or a doorman at the event. You see, I have a lot of experience with opening doors. For example I opened up the entire Indian economy to the global financial mafia, so playing that role will be a cakewalk for me.
Let me tell you a secret now and don’t let this out on You Tube or Twitter for God’s sake! I think I will actually make it to your Summit. Watch out for a blue turbaned guy who will wink at you as you pass by the entrance to the CHOGM meeting hall- that will be me!!
PM of India
(20 years and still under IMF guidance)
Satya Sagar is a journalist and public health worker based in Santiniketan, West Bengal. He can be reached firstname.lastname@example.org